I sure have.
This week particularily.
Monday morning started off fantastic. Hubby left for work, I started a new bible study, I got Sarah up and ready to leave for her week long babysitting job. It was all going so smooth.
Then I decided to go and tidy up her room for her while she was gone. I wanted to wash all her bedding and pick up and wash whatever clothes she had missed throwing in the laundry. Just tidy up things. In the corner was a bag with a towel in so I proceeded to empty it. In the bottom of the bag I found secrets.
Secrets that she had wrote.
Some of these secrets did this momma's heart proud.
Some of them made me torn. Sad that she only has friend, but at least she has one good friend.
Then things got difficult for me. I know that sounds selfish but my oh my was it hard to read some of the next cards.
To read these words on this card but others was painful. What my daughter has gone through in the past two years just physically hurts me.
There were other cards that I am not going to share with you just simply to respect her privacy but those too had me grabbing my stomach and weeping.
At first I was so mad, how could I have missed this? Why won't she come to me and tell me? Am I that bad of a parent that she had to suffer in silence?
The answer is yes I probably was. I am a sinner, I have moments of terrible parent-hooding (yep I know not a word but seemed to fit). I have moments of selfishness. Moments when I just want to watch that show or read that book, listen to that song. Let's face it she is a teenager and with that have come some terrible mood swings.
I fell down on my knees and cried. I cried out to the Lord what have I done? How can I help her? How can I right this wrong?
The answer is through Him.
I have in the past tried to parent my way. Sure I drug my children to church when they were younger. Sure I have even made (yep made) my middle son go to youth group. But when my daughter was going this past year there were days when I didn't want to drive in so I skipped it. I know i know another selfish act.
As I was down on my knees praying I realized something I NEED HIM!! I need Him in everything I do. I need His strength, His wisdom, His courage, His patience. I simply NEED HIM!!!
I am broken.
Only since I have broken can I help her.
I want to talk to her, be there for her like I never have been before. I want to let her know some of my past experiences Some of which I know she will be surprised but that I hope will help her.
Only through HIM will I find the strength, patience, courage and wisdom to parent her the way she deserves. I can't take back the times I wasn't there but I can make sure I am there for her from now on.
I can not even express how hard it is to write this post. My stomach still aches, tears are close to my eyes, but through it all I feel calm.
I just ask that you pray for me as I continue to parent this wonderful teen. That in the talk we are going to have that the words are the words she needs to hear and that she actually hears them.